Journal of Aragorn aka StriderWeird stubble guy
by Johnnys-eeyore
Summary: Kind of Aragorns diary thingy but messed up due to my weird sense of humor...please R&R! *UPDATED- CHAPTER 2*
1. Page 1

The Journal of Aragorn

Aka Strider/Weird stubble guy

Author: Jo…nah, can you believe I actually contemplated giving my real name (Sarcastic laugh) As if! This one was written by me: Johnnys Eeyore 

Title: The Journal of Aragorn aka Strider/Weird stubble guy

Disclaimer: Bah Humbug…I don't see why its necessary to write these bloody things. I reckon if they stopped making you write them then the suicide rate would drop by about 70% but anyway, you gotta do, what you gotta do…so here goes…once again I feel the need to tell you that I don't own the LOTR or any related characters, just incase you were under the delusion that I did (Rolls eyes) There are times that I wish I did own certain characters, such as Haldir, Boromir and Grima, so that I could force them to be my sex slaves…but sadly that will never happen (Sheds a tear) But that's life (Starts singing) "It's a hard knock life for us…" And no, I don't own the bloody song either! (Gets angry and kicks a shoe across the room. Feels macho)

Authors Note: This is a diary thingy of Aragorns that I just started writing the other night after watching The Nightmare Before Christmas…which is in NO way related to LOTR so I have no idea why I felt the need to tell you (Feels like a prick) Yes, it is absurd and disturbing in places, sorry if that isn't your cup of tea! Chow bella for now, see you at the end, where I harass you to review! (Smiles)

Day One 

 'Had a shit day. Needed a leak in the forest. Whipped out my…thing but hit it on Nettles. Very sore, hurts to piss. 

 Vow of celibacy forced upon me as cock is of no use

 This sort of thing wouldn't be an issue if I were King'

Day Two 

 'Even crappier day than yesterday, if that's even possible!

 Cock looks infected. Oozing a weird liquid that isn't semen.

 Bored shitless. Have noticed that forest is very crappy. Have developed a vendetta against all shrubbery and foliage since penis incident.

 I should be King…Crappy Gondor!'

Day Three 

 'Too pissed off to write much. Beautiful wench with large chest was trying to seduce me but I had to say no to SEX!! Due to dick…God Dammit!!

 Still not King'

Day Four 

 'I'm going insane! Can't even masturbate because of scabby cock. Looks slightly better though. Was caught handling dick by Elves. Am now laughing stock of Rivendell…

 Stupid penis'

Day Five 

 'Went to the Prancing Pony with intent of getting excessively drunk.

 Sat in corner on my own as cock smells a little. Think it's beginning to heal…it's about fucking time!

 Weird quartet of midgets appeared. One fell over, soft shit, but then he disappeared. Thought I'd been smoking too much Jamaican grass but turns out he has the Ring of Power

 …Still not King'

Day Six 

 'Saved midgets from Ring Wraiths. Turns out midgets are hobbits! Agreed to try and help them get to Mordor so they can destroy Ring…well I need SOMETHING to do…boredom level is getting ridiculous.

 Midgets have names! Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin. Turns out they know Gandalf, the bringer of weed; it's a small world!

 Set off on 'Quest' as they call it. Soon discovered hobbits are fat and greedy. Had to give Merry and Pippin my last two Granny Smiths.

 Took a piss, didn't burn as much. Definitely healing

 Maybe if I succeed on mission with hobbits I will become King…I should be King'

Day Seven 

 'Set up camp on hill with hobbits. Ventured off to find somewhere to take a shit in peace. Peeled scab off penis- looks better!

 Came back to find fat hobbits had attracted Ring Wraiths. Mental Note to self- Hobbits are also incredibly stupid. Saved the day by setting R.W. on fire and waving sword like maniac. Classed as 'heroic'. On any other occasion would be classed as 'insane'

 Midget managed to get stabbed, Frodo I think. Arwen arrived…Arwen is hot!

 Caught Sam looking at Frodo's crotch. Think Sam is gay.

 Still not bloody King'

Day Eight 

 'Followed Arwen. Slowed down by lazy, fat midgets. Dreading Rivendell after fondling incident.

 Need a shave…face beginning to resemble hedgehog.

 Dick feels better. Might be needing it soon. Sure Arwen rubbed my ass

 Not King'

Day Nine 

 'Had wet dream about Arwen, cock is working again! HURRAH! 

 Reached Rivendell. No one mentioned penis incident, thank God

 Arwen was eyeing me up after she caught me looking at her breasts.

 Still not King and stubble is turning mangy'

Day Ten 

 'Stayed in bed until absurdly late time. 

 Picked up razor to shave stubble, realised it was Elronds armpit shaver, vomited violently

 Spend large percentage of day flirting with Arwen. She wants me bad, but who doesn't? There is no one who can resist the ever-mighty stubble! Hahahahahahahahahaha! 

 Found different razor with no disgusting uses, so used it to shave stubble! Was victim of a shock shaving accident. My hand slipped and now my entire stubbliness is gone! This could severely affect me getting laid. However, on plus side, face is now as smooth as a baby's ass.

 Gandalf arrived. Bought weed. Almost kissed Gandalf I was so happy. Got stoned.

 Elrond is calling a meeting…how boring! Wish it was an orgy!

 Still not King'


	2. Page 2

Journal of Aragorn

Aka Strider/Weird Stubble Guy

Author: Me…Jo…Johnny E…Johnnys Eeyore…(Trails off)

Title: Journal of Aragorn aka Strider/Weird Stubble Guy

Disclaimer: No thanks, don't want one…already bought one for Chapter 1

Authors Note: Well, I decided to update…no, it isn't an illusion, I'm sorry it took so long but I keep getting new ideas and starting them, without doing more of the ones I've already done…I fucking hate it when that happens!

So, thanks to all who reviewed the first page of the journal, here's the next…

Day Eleven

'Tried to open eyes, couldn't! Screamed for help like a woman

 Elrond heard my cries and came to my aid (as usual…stuffy git)

 Turns out I hadn't gone blind, stupid hobbits had ejaculated on my eyes and it had dried. Mental Note to self- Kick ass of every hobbit I see

 Washed eyes frantically

 Tried to remember 'meeting' but couldn't due to extreme hangover

 Gandalf explained, random nine people, me including, are going on mega quest to destroy the ring…why? Bah…I shouldn't complain, me being hero should increase my sex appeal after departure of stubble

 Shouldn't have got stoned before meeting, might not have offered myself to such a stupid mission…damn weed!

 Met other members of fellowship. Three words- small, annoying and homosexual. That elf looks especially gay, should get along with Frodo and Sam

 Wish I was staying here. Could work on Arwen. She confessed to loving me, Jackpot! Pretended I loved her too, don't want to hurt her feelings. She gave me womanly jewel…looks highly gay! Will hide it under clothes. Kissed Arwen. Romped in forest with her.

 Leaving on Quest now. Frodo is full of himself. He got a sword off Bilbo. Pointed out that Bilbo probably stole the sword like he probably stole the ring.

 Frodo got angry. Chuckled to self

 Impressed by length of Journal entry…go me!

 Still not King'

Day Twelve

'Set off this morning. Dead bored. Lots of walking, no sex

 Cock appears to be fully healed…its about frigging time

 Irritating hairy dwarf kept going on about the 'mines of moria' but Gandalf said no. Stupid lazy dwarf

 Frodo thinks he's a miniature God now he is the Ring Bearer, personally, I think Gandalf, the Weed Bringer, is more admirable

 Had to throw myself in a bush because of birds/spies. Pains me to say that apart from Arwen, it's the only bush I've been in for a long time. Sure I spotted Sam and Frodo fornicating beneath the shrubs.

 After walking fucking miles, Gandalf decides we should take the Pass of Caradhras. Felt like punching Gandalf for being such a twat

  Ended up knee deep in bloody snow, froze my dick off before Gandalf decided this wasn't a good route either…senile old fool! Yet again, had to turn back. Have frostbite of the balls

 Frodo dropped ring in snow. Boromir found it and was looking at it in a sinister way. Think Boromir has a Jewellery fetish. Have concluded I'm surrounded by weirdos

 Lazy fat Ring Bearer fell in the snow, tried to attract sympathy. Failed miserably. Decided we should go through the Mines…wish they'd make up they're fucking minds. Blisters developing on feet

 Still not King'

Day Thirteen

'Sat outside the mines for a good couple of hours, due to the fact Gandalf is a retard. Simple word to get in and he made a huge issue out of it. Actually took the brains of a hobbit to get us inside. Feel rather embarrassed

 Other midgets threw rocks in water. Entered Mines (eventually) to find it full of small corpses, suspect they may have been dwarfs once

 Big tentacle grabbed Frodo. Queer Elf, Leg-of-lamb I think his name is, and myself saved him. God knows why! Felt macho and heroic

 Definitely need a spliff

 Had to wait for ANOTHER freaking hour as Gandalf couldn't remember which way to go. Think Gandalf needs to retire. Gandalf is old…very old!

 Eventually started moving again, just as I sat down to take a shit. Fucking typical!

 Found tomb of Dwarfs relative. Dwarf cried. Laughed and Pointed at him. Gandalf found a book, got excited, then frightened. 

 Pippin…one of the other greedy midget creatures, knocked a skeleton down a well thing, yet again proving my point that all Hobbits are bloody stupid

 Orcs came. Hobbled round due to blisters. Fought Orcs. Kicked some ass. 

 Kind of embarrassed as I fainted in fear, made out I hide my head on wall. I am very very sneaky! Hehe! Hobbit managed to get hurt yet again but this time was wearing armour secretly. Knew he wouldn't die…I'm not that lucky!

 Got trapped on piece of bridge while trying to run away. Conveniently saved hobbit. Felt smarmy

 Gandalf stole my limelight by stopping Balrog but ended up plummeting to his death. I may not be as macho and brave but at least I'm alive

 Got outside and cried as Gandalf had all the weed. God dammit! It isn't fair!

 Must go on to woods. Made out I was concerned for everyone. But really need to jerk off and am knackered

 Still not bloody well King'

Day Fourteen- 4.30am

'Spent entire night lying on stupid twigs and shitty leaves

 Had freaky assed conversation with Boromir last night. He said Galadriel spoke to him in his mind. Think Boromir is schizophrenic or on bad style drugs. Started going on about Gondor so turned over and went to sleep. He is boring'

 Day Fourteen

'Got up. Peed. Ate. Masturbated over Arwen. Washed. Laughed at Frodo's naked ass. Walked in Forest, feet hurt, came back after five minutes

 Noticed entries in Journal are getting a lot longer. Felt proud

 Left and carried on with our mission. Starting to get into this. Feeling like a Superhero. Tried to Fly. Hit the ground. Bruised ribs. Cried

 Sailed down river in little canoes. Felt seasick, threw up on Frodo. Passed huge statues things. Passed out

 Still not King'

Authors Note: That's it once again, sorry! I promise I'll update as soon as I can. Please review…please? (Uses puppy dog eyes)


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